To Never Love at All
by AerynsFallen
Summary: After the apocalypse scare everything has returned to normal. Cas realizes that he loves Dean but fears Dean could never feel the same way. Sam thinks Dean cares more than he realizes but isn't willing to admit it. When something causes Cas to leave, will Dean finally realize that Cas is what he needed? Or will the old adage remain true? Is it better to have loved and lost?
1. Chapter 1

**So what am I doing I ask myself. I have so many other things going on and I still manage to start a new story. I couldn't help myself. Cas and Dean have been an obsession since season 4 of Supernatural and now that I'm watching Season 8 I can't help but wonder why the writer's are messing with us! I hated Season 6 and 7 just a little because of what they did to Cas but I've come to terms with it. Anyway I wrote this awhile ago and had no idea what I wanted to do with it. Hopefully I do now. It's slightly OOC and in Cas' POV. The next couple of chapters will alternate POVs between Dean and Sam. Hopefully you enjoy!**

**The story goes AU after Season 5. Cas is still alive and well, Lucifer is in the cage but Sam isn't. No unfeeling, crazy Sam. No secretive Cas. **

**As usual all my stories are unbetaed, so all mistakes are my own!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them. :(**

* * *

He figured love was something like this. This tortured ache that stemmed from somewhere deep in his chest and radiated outwards until it affected his entire body. His hands clenched, his knees weakened to the point of buckling, and his breath became an agonized slide of compressed air, in and out of his chest. He wondered if he could die from this feeling, from the simple act of his heart exploding because it was too much, he felt too much where before he had felt nothing. Love was not something he would wish on anyone. How could anyone withstand this torture? His body didn't know what it wanted. Every single time he was around him he had to stop himself from reaching out. His body ran hot and cold and he hurt. He hurt with the amount of control he held over his shaking limbs and traitorous thoughts. He had never known need or want before, not like this. His wants and needs had always been insignificant next to his duty. Duty was all he knew, all he ever imagined for himself. And it had been enough, enough for the millennia of his existence. Until one insignificant human had destroyed it all.

He had been cold and emotionless. It suited him. He followed orders with a strictness that was admirable. He believed in his cause with a fervour that had never been quenched, not from the first moment he had come into existence. He knew right and wrong and could balance penalty and reward quite easily. There were no shades of grey in his life. Heaven was right, as it would always be.

Until Dean Winchester had stepped so suddenly into his life. He had known of the Winchester family. All angels knew about the Winchesters. Their fates were set unyielding into stone. He never thought he would ever meet them. He was a good soldier but his position in the hierarchy of Heaven was right in the middle. He was more than the lower class Cherubs, but he was of no significance to the Archangels. The only Archangel he had ever had a conversation with was Gabriel. And Gabriel was not the typical Archangel. He was crass and loud and exuberant, so close to feeling human emotions that he felt uncomfortable in Gabriel's presence. He afforded him the respect he deserved, but he was never easy in his presence. If he could feel fear, he might have been afraid that whatever flaw Gabriel had in his personality would somehow affect him.

He felt respect for those higher up than him. He felt fear for only one being. God. He had never met his father but he believed. And believing was all that he had ever known.

When he pulled Dean Winchester out of the depths of the fiery pit he felt an odd constriction on his grace as his hands gripped the manifestation of Dean's corporeal form. His hand burned, not unpleasantly as he dragged him further and further towards the light that was life. He wondered briefly if this had happened to any other angel before him, not that there were very many souls important enough to pull from Hell and well-deserved damnation. He considered briefly asking another angel what this could mean and was shocked by his own audacity. He had never before questioned anything in his many years. The question seemed innocent enough but he felt something akin to shame at the notion he would question at all.

So he grit his teeth and tried to ignore the almost pleasant feeling of Dean Winchester's soul brushing against his grace. He clung tighter than he should have, and the mark that was left behind was much more permanent than it should have been. Another mark of shame against him. Made all the worse by the faint stirring of ownership he felt towards this man. Almost like Dean was his. He ignored the feeling, blocked out the memory of the pleasing burn and went back to his station as a soldier.

Ignoring Dean Winchester seemed next to impossible with his following orders. He was to watch him, guide him, and keep him in line. He did not know what he could have done to deserve the task of walking on the Earth and shadowing a man that would start and end the apocalypse. He did not question it. It was as he deserved. Dean and Sam Winchester confused him. They had the souls of good men and yet all they had done in their lives should ultimately have condemned them to hell. Dean had already been there of course but that had all been part of the plan. That was the first time he had ever felt confused, not just with the brothers, but with Heaven. He knew next to nothing and he was used to that. But for some reason he found himself on the verge of questioning what purpose his orders held. Yes they were necessary, but in what way? And why had he been chosen? He wished then for the guidance of Anna, the former Captain of his garrison. She had always known what to do.

Of course that line of thinking was traitorous. Anna had fallen a mere twenty odd years earlier and the wound of her betrayal was still more than fresh. It burned his grace and yet she had been a true leader, a valued one and she had never compromised, had never strayed in her decisions. She had always known what to do. A new Captain had yet to be found. She had led them for millennia and she had left near chaos in the wake of her betrayal. Uriel was determined to lead them, as he'd always been. He had the strange and disturbing failing of ambition. He had never outright rebelled at Anna's commands but he acquiesced with apparent reluctance. Where Anna had always been stout in her belief that humans should be as loved as their Father had commanded, Uriel had been just as determined to see all their faults and ridicule all their failings. Cas had never truly been comfortable around Uriel. He was not as dead set on devotion to humans as Anna was but he did not disdain them, and he did not resent them. He felt he had reached an appropriate balance. Anna clearly had not. After so many years she had given in to whatever insane desire she had to become one of them. She had torn out her grace and fell to Earth before any Angel had the faint idea what she had been planning. He was looked on with much suspicion afterwards, especially by Uriel. He had followed Anna without a moment's hesitation, as was his duty. He felt almost punished by their scrutiny and almost ashamed. So it was more than surprising that he had been the one assigned to monitor Dean and Sam. Twenty odd years was nothing in the life of an Angel.

And now he was cursed with this curious affliction of loving Dean Winchester. His physical body had grown to crave his presence. He was afflicted with embarrassing and conflicting _urges_ that he had no idea what to do with. Why did he need to stand so close? Why did his palms itch and fingers twitch with the need to reach out and smooth the worried creases in Dean's brow? Why was he always too warm in his presence when he had never been affected by temperature before? Why did Dean's smile, so fleeting and sarcastic, leave him speechless? Why did he appear so unexpectedly with the hope that maybe, just maybe Dean might be getting out of the shower or changing, or sleeping? He was beautiful in sleep. Dean was never calm, plagued with nightmares and never truly relaxed. He liked to rest his palm on Dean's cheek and soothe him, fill a part of Dean with something of himself, his grace. It was wrong. His grace was his own, his essence, his entire being trapped into his vessel. It hurt just a little every time he gave part of it up, like a piece of himself torn off. But Dean would smile every time he did. A small smile as his frown faded and his body settled from restless turning. His angry shouts and mumbled curses would fade into nothing. And he would say his name. Castiel or Cas. His name spoken with gratitude and joy. And he would ask him not to leave. It made him ache and burst and shake. Dean did not show that he realized what was happening when he was awake. He was always the same. But Castiel knew that somewhere deep and hidden he recognized the bond that was formed. Dean was his and he belonged to Dean, vessel and grace, his entire self.

He should have known that there would be consequences. Nothing this good, this agonizing was ever without consequences.

**Reviews please? I would love some feedback on my first Supernatural fic! I'm nervous and excited and would love to hear what you think good or bad! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**So my laptop screen has been broken since pretty much the last chapter I posted! Finally fixed it. Here is another chapter. Sorry about the mistakes. I am in a serious hurry to get to work but I've been wanting to post this for days! Hope you enjoy! Oh...Dean will probably be OOC. But that's pretty much a given. Thank you to DowntheRabbitHole55 for their kind review and to anyone that followed this story!**

**Sorry about the short chapter but I had serious issues writing this!**

* * *

Dean liked women. It was an undisputed truth. He liked their curved, swaying forms and their soft skin and their breasts that filled his hands so readily. However he wasn't homophobic He believed in love between any person, man or woman. If Sammy sometimes acted more like a girl than even a girl would, then Dean would sometimes question if he wasn't straddling the fence just a little. He never said that he wasn't stereotypical. He had never thought of himself as anything other than straight. He'd never looked at a man before with any other admiration than for their skill as a hunter. Men were rough, body's solid and broad. He'd never felt the faintest stirring of want for a man, ever.

So what he felt for the angel Castiel was something he couldn't explain. He generally liked him, where he merely tolerated almost everyone else. He was quirky and odd and just plain awkward most of the time. Dean had never seen him even attempt a smile. His initial aura of arrogance had given way to a man that Dean had grown to lo-like. He was hilarious. Just thinking of the time that Cas had been his partner and flipped his badge open upside down had him smirking. When he thought of the night that Cas had almost lost his virginity he almost died laughing. Good times.

Cas was, for lack of a better term, his best friend. He was always there when they needed him, rain or shine. The amount of crap that he'd helped them get out of was astonishing. He and Sammy were an awesome team when it was just them, but with Cas they just somehow were awesomer. Was awesomer a word? Whatever, he just knew that Cas had their backs. Having an angel as your ace in the hole was pretty amazing, especially if the angel wasn't a dick like the rest of them. He was convinced that was why he liked the angel so much.

Of course the way that Cas had been acting lately was starting to freak him out. Cas had always shown no regard for personal space, especially when they first met him. He'd gotten better over time, until Dean was no longer afraid that when Cas suddenly appeared he'd land on top of him. Dean ignored the fact that the more normal Cas was starting to act the more Dean was beginning to miss his little quirks, lack of personal space included. So what if he found himself invading Cas' personal space more than once in order to make a point? And he couldn't help it if he felt a little warmer than usual when Cas was in the room. The angel had some sort of freaky body heat that managed to heat up a room.

Then Cas suddenly had an issue with personal space again. He stayed well away from Sam, but with Dean he always appeared right behind him, or so close in front of him that he could kiss Cas if he leaned just a little forward. Not that he'd ever want to kiss Cas, or thought about kissing Cas. Dreams didn't count. He could consider those nightmares if he convinced himself. And boy did Dean do a good job convincing himself that Cas' invasion of space was annoying. Every time he appeared Dean did his best pissy attitude impression. Cas always backed off with a closed expression and a mumbled apology. Dean had the suspicion that the apology was insincere but he shrugged it off. An insincere apology would bring too many suspicions and questions he just didn't want to deal with.

Still Cas was becoming a better hunter. He was a fast learner with weapons and methods of killing all the monsters they hunted. His interaction with people could use some work. He still didn't grasp the concept of lying skillfully and sarcasm, which led to many times that Dean was forced to interrupt him when he tried to tell too much of the truth, or pull him aside and explain that someone was being sarcastic, not intentionally trying to offend them. It made the job interesting to say the least. Dean found that he had more adrenaline and anticipation running through him when Cas was there. He actually looked forward to a new job, always wondering what kind of fast talking he would have to do to keep Cas out of trouble, or an insane asylum.

Sam seemed content with Cas as well. He never said anything negatively about him anyway. Of course Dean could do without the smirks that Sam aimed at them when Cas stood too close, or when Dean told him off when he took too many risks. Sam had some fool notion that Dean had _feelings_ for Cas and it was really starting to piss Dean off. He was able to laugh it off at the beginning but now Sam was just getting on his nerves. And every time Dean got angry at him about it Sam always proved he could pull a new bitchface and stormed off like a baby. The idea of Cas and him as a _couple_ was absurd and disturbing and just _wrong_. Dean liked woman. Always had, always would. He would go to his grave with that belief.

Of course he already knew he was always good at lying to himself. Dreams where he and Cas _did_ things didn't count. Dreams where he and Cas actually got all girly and talked about feelings and shit just alarmed him. And dreams where Cas realized he was an angel and Dean was just a human just hurt to think about. In those dreams Cas always left, and Dean never saw him again. Missing your best friend was normal and Dean blamed that for when he woke up with a tight throat and unshed tears in his eyes. You were allowed to get a little choked at the thought of your best friend leaving for good. It didn't mean anything.

Dean avoided all thoughts of when he had a nightmare and it somehow turned around. He avoided the thoughts of complete warmth, comfort and _love_ he felt when Cas appeared in his nightmares and soothed all the hurt and anger. He pretended he didn't remember when he woke up to Cas stroking his face because then he would have to admit that Cas was _glowing_ and he was beautiful. He would have to admit, at least to himself that when those nights came he was filled with Cas' love and he was happier in those moments then in any other moment in his life, even sex. He would have to admit that seeing Cas like that made him so hard he felt like exploding and all he wanted to do was pull Cas down on top of him and kiss him until all there was, was lust and love and two people fitting together.

Dean was not gay. And he struggled every day to convince himself of that fact. Being around Cas was torture and perfection and agony. It was only a matter of time before he broke and did something that they would both regret, him most of all.

**So? Let me know what you think in a review ;)**

**Next up: What does Sam think about this?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Another Chapter! It's from Sam's POV as promised! It's more of the same really. Another look on what is happening between Dean and Cas. Another hint at the drama to come! I just wanted to show what the three people central to the story are thinking. Personally I think that if Sam wasn't trapped in the cage and screwed with by Lucifer that he would be the most well-adjusted out of the three. Don't get me wrong, I love Dean and Cas forever! But Sam has always been that normal guy to me. So here you go!**

**Thanks to _A Minion Named Danielle_ for her kind reviews! And check out her Story "Witches Be Bitches"! It's HILARIOUS...and has kitten!Dean! How can you resist?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them :(**

* * *

Sam was beginning to feel like the third wheel. Cas and Dean's relationship was frustrating to say the least. It had started out innocently enough. Dean was grateful that Cas was back, they both were. The apocalypse was over and the world was saved yet again. Dean was healing from his stay in Hell and Cas was less morose about the fact that God had all but abandoned them to their fates. Sam was pretty well adjusted and for the first time in a long time he was happy. No conflicting feelings of wanting to leave the hunter lifestyle and be normal and wanting to stay to keep Dean safe. Even if he did still want to give up the life, even if he was capable of doing so he knew that Cas would take care of Dean. Dean finally had a partner that Sam trusted and respected.

Then Sam had started to get vibes from Cas. He had been doing so well with the random appearances, respecting everyone's space and making sure to appear when they were awake and decent. He was getting to be a very good hunter, skilled even without using his angel mojo. Sam was actually proud of him, almost like he had a little brother that he was teaching the ropes to. Cas was innocent enough in so many things for Sam to regard him with a protective brother type bond. And he made both of them laugh with his continuing awkward attempts at interaction with other people. He couldn't lie worth a damn and he took everything at face value. It made Sam's day when Dean had to pull him aside and explain the simple concept of lying and sarcasm more than once.

Then things started to get awkward again. Cas started to appear almost on top of Dean again, this time closer then he'd ever had before. At first it was amusing as hell to watch the annoyed flush on Dean's face as he practically fell backwards in an attempt to gain some space. But as the days passed Sam began to notice that Cas was acting weird around Dean, weirder than normal anyway. What started as invasion of personal space resorted to longing glances and clenched fists. Sam had actually caught Cas reaching out for Dean, only to snatch his hand back at the last second. Sam wanted to brush it off as confused feelings on Cas' part. He _did _pull Dean out of Hell and he had said they shared some profound bond. But as the days turned into weeks Sam became convinced that whatever Cas was feeling was real. He never looked so close to smiling when anyone but Dean was in the room and he was never more miserable when he appeared and Dean was not there. Sam tried not to be offended that he wasn't good enough company for Cas to stick around when that happened. And when he thought about it he was actually pleased that Cas cared for Dean. Yeah him being a man, and not quite classified as human was an issue, a big one. But he would take care of Dean like no one else could.

The only issue he had was Dean. Dean was blatantly avoiding the puppy dog gazes Cas sent his way. He was always annoyed when Cas appeared in his personal space and he all but yelled at Cas when he appeared when Dean was less than decently clothed. At first glance, and even second glance it looked as if Dean could barely stand Cas for a while. Sam almost resorted to telling Dean to be nice. But he looked closer. And what he picked up on astounded him. Dean actually liked Cas' behaviour. His entire attitude was a front. When Cas appeared in his face Dean leaned just a little closer for a fraction of a second. When he yelled at Cas for appearing at moments when Dean was less than fully clothed he always gave away his guilt at doing so. Sam knew his brother better than anyone and he had numerous tells if you knew what to look for.

What convinced Sam that this might actually work was one night when he woke up and found Cas in their motel room. He'd gasped quietly at the large figure leaning over his brother. He'd barely managed to suppress the urge to jump to his feet when he recognized Cas' trench coat. He watched Cas puzzled as to why he wasn't trying to wake either of them up. He was just…watching Dean. That alone should have creeped Sam out if he didn't know that Cas had no grasp whatsoever on how inappropriate it was to stare at someone while they slept. Still he chose not to say anything and just watched Cas, which possibly made him creepier than Cas. He watched as Dean started to moan and flail in bed. It was definitely a nightmare as Dean began to yell incoherently about Alastair. Sam wanted to wake him up but he was certain that Cas would do so. Cas didn't. In a move that had Sam's jaw drop, Cas reached out and stroked Dean's cheek with such tenderness it made Sam's chest hurt. The effect was instantaneous. Dean calmed, his moans dying away in a relieved sigh, his jerky movements ceasing. Sam wondered what Cas could have done. When Cas began to mumble about _his_ _Dean_ Sam wanted to turn away and cover his ears in embarrassment. This was clearly a personal moment.

He closed his eyes against the strange sight of Cas glowing as he stroked Dean's face. He squeezed them closed tighter when he heard a moan from Dean that had nothing to do with pain and everything to do with desire. He'd walked in on Dean and his one night stands enough times to know the sounds he made when he was aroused, traumatizing as that may be. He was so going to kill both of them if anything happened in that moment. He couldn't help the morbid curiosity that forced his eyes open just a fraction. He would close them if he saw anything the least bit inappropriate. What he saw and heard next made his breath catch. Cas still held his palm to Dean's face, still soothing him from the nightmare. Dean's face was so peaceful, and filled with joy that Sam wanted to hug Cas, kiss him even. He hadn't seen Dean that relaxed since he was a kid. For a brief moment Dean's face clouded and his body tensed.

"Don't leave me Cas." It was surprising that Dean still appeared to be asleep, his face tightened in anxiety but his eyes remained tightly shut.

Cas' voice was both deeper and softer than Sam had ever heard it before, if that made any sense. "No Dean, I could never leave you."

Sam had heard enough. He turned his back on them with a wondering smile. Dean could deny his feelings all he wanted but when he was the most vulnerable he knew what he felt for Cas. Sam fell asleep, determined to help his brother see that this was a good thing. Dean deserved happiness and love in any form, with any person; Even if that person happened to be a millennia old angel that resided in a male vessel.

The hardest part would be getting Dean to admit that what he felt was real. Their father had always had an influence on Dean that Sam found a little unhealthy. While John had been a good man, he had also had strong beliefs. And one of those beliefs was that while love between two people of the same gender wasn't strictly wrong, it was definitely unnatural. He'd always praised Dean on his conquest of women. While he may have been able to accept Dean if he was gay eventually, Dean might never be able to believe that. Their father's approval was all Dean had wanted for so many years that Sam had a hard time believing that he would give up on that hope even after John was gone.

So he did his best to start hinting to Dean what he already knew. He did his best to make Dean see what he was avoiding. Maybe he'd taken the wrong approach. Maybe he should have first made Dean realize that whatever he felt was okay with him. He should have made it clear from the beginning that he accepted Dean no matter what. Because what happened next was something that Sam should have seen coming. And it was something that had to potential to ruin whatever feelings Cas had for Dean.

**And there you go! Please let me know what you think! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**So the drama goes down in this chapter! Of course Dean is going to be an idiot in this chapter. Remember this is AU after the apocalypse. I'm pretty much writing what I would have liked to see happen, not that it ever would. Anyway, hope you enjoy! **

**Thank you for all the alerts and favs! It makes my day!**

* * *

For Sam and Cas it was a normal day. Sam was shaving in the bathroom, glaring at his face in the mirror at the stubble that he so despised. Maybe he was a little OCD but he liked being clean shaven. Just thinking of Dean's stubble made Sam cringe. Dean regularly told him that he was worse than a chick when it came to maintaining his appearance. Just to prove him wrong Sam had started to let his hair grow longer. Of course now Dean said it made him not only act like a chick but now he looked like one too. Sam tried his best to ignore the jibes but he could tell Dean knew he was getting to him. He would snort and say something along the lines of "look a new bitchface". Stupid Dean.

Cas was sitting on the bed doing his best to look inconspicuous, even as he watched Dean move around the room muttering curse words. He apparently couldn't find whatever it was he was looking for and Cas was wishing he could help him. Dean had already rejected his offer so Cas did the only thing he could think of while he waited. He sat on the bed as there was no couch and he stared straight ahead when Dean glanced over. When Dean was looking away he turned his head slightly and watched him instead. Sam came out of the bathroom and smirked at Cas who had turned almost all the way around in his attempt to keep Dean in his view.

"Where the fuck is it? I knew I had it somewhere."

Sam sighed. Dean was in another one of his moods. "What are you looking for Dean? Is it important? Check out is in 20 min and we need to get moving on to the next town."

"Moving on? Oh…yeah I booked us for another night. Met someone last night. Told her I could meet up with her tonight….now I just need to find her number."

Sam froze in place at Dean's mumbled words. Cas had a stricken look on his face. Sam did his best impression of a reassuring smile but Cas' expression was quickly replaced by the cold mask Sam hadn't seen since shortly after they'd first met. He no longer followed Dean with his eyes. Instead he sat as still as a statue and stared straight ahead.

Sam closed his eyes and thought about it. What was the best thing to say at this moment? Dean was obviously running scared. And Cas was more than a little affected by Dean's jackass intentions.

"Umm…Dean?"

"What?" Dean was still looking through the drawers on the desk and with only two empty drawers Sam knew that he was just avoiding looking at either of them.

"We really should be heading out of town." Damnit Dean! Why the hell did he have to get cold feet now? Oh Dean had pulled stunts like this before. Getting a girl's number and promising to call her for a little 'fun'. But Sam had always thrown out the numbers and Dean had never asked twice about them. Sam figured it was a token effort to appear as he always did. Ever the womanizer. But Sam had been sure that he was done with this. Dean hadn't made an attempt to pick up a woman in at least a month.

"Why?" Dean asked belligerently. "We don't have a case we need to rush off to and she was hot as hell. You never had a problem with it before."

And the fact that Dean referred to picking some random woman up as 'it' just proved to Sam that he was feeling guilty.

"Well maybe not but Bobby did say he might have a case for us and he'd like us to stop by." It was true but Sam didn't mention that the case was purely a ghost causing mischief, nothing serious. It was for a friend of Bobby's. Bobby had added it was something he could do himself as soon as he had a spare moment. But Dean didn't need to know that.

Dean eyed Sam with suspicion. "Did he? You won't mind if I just call him then and get the details."

Sam nodded. "Sure. I'll grab the stuff while you call Bobby." He did his best to look unconcerned as Dean took out his cell.

After a minute Dean sighed, spoke into the phone and hung up. Sam watched him. The call had been too short for Dean to get any details.

"Bobby didn't pick up. I left him a message."

"Dean, would I lie to you about a case?" Sam put his annoyed expression on and started to pack his bags.

Dean sighed and grabbed his bag as well. Cas hadn't said a word throughout the entire exchange but he did smile at Sam gratefully when Dean wasn't looking.

When they got into the car all three of them remained silent. Dean didn't even turn on his music, which was completely out of character. Instead he drummed his hands on the dashboard and drove the slowest that Sam had ever seen, well below the speed limit.

"Uh, Dean at this pace we're going to get there sometime next week."

Dean glared at him. Cas shuffled in the backseat and coughed. Which was odd in itself because Angels didn't need to cough. They barely needed to breathe.

"What's your problem, _Castiel_?" Sam scowled. Dean might be in a bad mood but he didn't need to be a dick.

He was about to tell Dean that when Dean's cell phone rang. The smile on Dean's face looked closer to a grimace as he pulled to the side of the road and got out of the car. Sam shot Cas a quick glance and angled his head towards Dean, hoping he caught the hint. Cas stared at him quizzically and tilted his head.

"Who's he talking to?" Sam muttered.

"Sam, Dean has asked me not to listen in on his private conversations. I will not break his trust now."

Sam groaned and watched Dean intently as he paced in front of the car. Whoever he was talking to sure had something interesting to say. Dean was out there for at least five minutes before he stopped suddenly and turned towards Sam with murder in his eyes. Sam couldn't help the gulp he swallowed through a constricted throat. Dean had only looked that angry a handful of times. He almost got of the car and made a run for it but Dean's eyes told him he better not try it. Dean hung up the phone and entered another number in. His demeanour changed immediately as the other person picked up the phone. He was smiling and he laughed once or twice and yet Dean still managed to look uncomfortable while doing so. He continued to pace and his body was tense despite the smile on his face. Sam had a bad feeling about who he was talking to. He finished the call and turned his back to the car. He stood there for another couple minutes before finally getting in the vehicle.

"So who was that?" Sam chose to be blunt. From Dean's expression he could tell he was already in a shitload of trouble.

Dean spoke as if he hadn't heard Sam's question. "So guess who just called me?" At Sam's raised eyebrow he continued. "No guesses? Well it was Bobby. That job you wanted us to get to, the one you thought was _so urgent_-"

"Dean, I never said-"

Dean spoke louder until he was practically shouting. "Was a simple poltergeist. In fact, Bobby covered it himself. 'Course I was relieved that the job was done but I asked Bobby why he would want us to handle such a simple job. You know what he said?" Sam looked away. "Sam, you know what he said? He said he told you that it was only if we were in the area. And I thought to myself 'Why the hell would Sammy want us to drive across three states if he knew we didn't have to. Unless of course he wanted us out of this town so Goddamn badly for some reason." Dean saw Cas flinch in the back and turned his rising anger on him. "And of course Sam and _you_ seem to have such a problem with me fucking someone. For some reason you think it's your business when it's not. So fuck you both. I'm going back to that town and I'm going to have a vacation from our shitstorm of a life for one Goddamn night. And if either of you have a problem with that then you can get out of this car and start walking."

When neither of them said anything he nodded once and turned the engine on. There was a flutter of wings and Sam cursed as Cas disappeared from the backseat. Dean shot one guilty glance at the rear-view mirror but nodded again to himself. He spoke so low that Sam could barely hear him. "Well good. It's about time he realized anyway. Dean Winchester is straight."

Sam glared at him. "You're a fucking idiot." Dean gaped at him in surprise as Sam turned his body towards the window. Dean tried to get Sam to talk a few times on the way back to town but Sam refused to speak to him. Before the car had even come to a complete stop Sam was out the door and walking towards the motel office, presumably to get another room.

Dean ran his hands over his face and through his hair. He hit the steering wheel a few times with the palm of his hand in frustration. "Come on Dean. Sam's just being a whiny bitch. He'll come around." _And what about Cas, _a voice inside his head reminded him."What about Cas? He's a big boy. Not my fault he has some sort of crush on me. Guy knew I was straight from the beginning. I mean, how many times do I have to tell him to stay out of my personal space?" _But you like him in your personal space. You wish sometimes that he would step just a little closer. Just a little closer and you'd know for sure if his lips tasted as good as they look_. "Stupid Cas. I'm straight."_ But if you were straight then why do you dream about him? _"Fuck this. I need to get laid. Cas knows the score. Why the hell am I worried about him? He's probably just confused or something." _Like me._ "He'll come to his senses soon enough and I won't have to deal with his awkward crap anymore." _Only awkward because you like it and don't want to admit it_, the voice reminded him. "Maybe I should just tell Cas to leave and do us all a favour. Then me and Sam can just go on like we used to." _NO! Can't hunt without Cas. I need Cas here. Who am I kidding?_ "Fuck it. I can't think right now. I really need a beer. And maybe I need to say sorry to Cas for being such an ass. I mean, tell Cas to leave? He's my best friend. Sam's right. I can be a fucking idiot sometimes."

What Sam and Dean didn't know was that Cas hadn't left the car, just made it appear as if he had. He didn't want them to see the conflict he was feeling about the thought of Dean having intercourse with some woman. The pain in his chest was surprising, as was the constricted feeling in his throat and the burning in his eyes. Why did he love Dean Winchester? Why did he love at all? Sam said Dean was just being stubborn. Cas wasn't so certain. Dean had never shown the slightest interest in the same sex. Why would he start now, in his thirties? And how could Dean ever be attracted to him? He was the complete opposite of Dean in many ways. Dean was outgoing and confident and he seemed to be attracted to women who were the same. Cas was introverted, serious to a fault and much of his confidence had been lost after he came to earth. There was much he didn't know and despite the fact that he was so much older than Dean, Dean could make him feel insignificant with a simple look, a single harsh word. And insignificant was what he felt as well as many other negative emotions as he watched the interaction between the brothers. Cas was grateful that Sam seemed to be on his side as he refused to speak to Dean. That he would stand against Dean in any decision and support Cas even to the detriment of his own relationship with his brother was both bewildering and humbling. Cas had always felt closer to Dean since the moment he had touched his shoulder to pull him from perdition. But at the moment he could almost imagine how it could have been if he had taken Sam from Hell instead. He was loyal and kind and truly a good man. Why couldn't have Cas fallen for Sam? Better yet, why did he have to feel any of these painful emotions at all?

So many negative emotions clouding his thoughts and judgements as Dean spoke to himself in the car alone. Sam was wrong then and it hurt to hear the truth he had known spoken aloud. Dean did not love Cas. Dean did not feel as Cas did and worse yet, Dean thought that Cas was merely confused. An angel confused? Yes, at first he had felt lost and uncertain. But he had always found the male form more pleasing than the female one. He had always known that if he ever did find someone that he was content to spend an eternity with that they would be male or the male equivalent in angel terms. He thought he would feel blessed. He didn't think that he could ever feel this much. Hurt and hope and fear and _anguish_ and such love that he wanted to rejoice and cry all at once. But Dean did not feel the same. Tonight Dean would have intercourse with a woman that he didn't love and Cas knew it was because of him. Because Dean needed to reaffirm that he wanted women. And it made Cas angry and sick and jealous to think of the faceless woman who would have what he could not, not for one moment. When Cas heard that Dean was so disgusted by his behaviour that he wanted Cas gone permanently he froze for the briefest moment and thought. So this is a heart breaking. And he disappeared before he could hear another word. He had never meant for this. And he knew that no matter what he could never look upon the face of Dean Winchester again. He barely noticed the tears that slid down his face as he flew to Heaven and away from the pain that the world had brought him.

**So that was kind of a long one! What did you think? Next up: Dean brings his one night stand to his hotel room. Will he follow through? Where has Cas ended up? And Sam takes notice of Cas' disappearance...**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm kind of sad about the lack of response I'm getting for this story. So I'm sorry if there is a little bit of a wait in between chapters. It isn't intentional. I'm trying to focus on my other stories at the moment. Thanks to anyone that is reading this story and enjoys it. Hopefully you like this latest chapter!**

**All my stories have no beta so all mistakes are my own. However I am looking for a beta for any of my stories so if anyone is interested than let me know! As always Supernatural doesn't belong to me!**

* * *

He was Castiel, an Angel of the Lord. And when he returned to Heaven he should have felt at home and safe. He should have felt happy. But he wasn't. He was stared at as he kept the form of Jimmy Novak. It felt like his own now, which was ridiculous. He'd had the same form for millennia, since the moment he was created. He'd possessed the form of Jimmy Novak for only a couple of short years. And he'd fallen in love with Dean in the same form. He should have wanted nothing more than to shed the reminders of his life with humans. But he clung to them. Relishing every moment, every single pain-filled moment. He was pathetic. An angel who wanted to be a man, but without the frailty, without all of the necessary bodily functions he found faintly repulsive. He wanted the best of both worlds and perhaps God had punished him for his greed. Cursed him with this feeling that dictated every action, which was both elating and earth-shattering. He needed to forget Dean. And yet he found that he couldn't.

He had only been in Heaven for a few short days when he felt the need to leave. It was suffocating, the warmth and order that had been restored since the apocalypse had been averted. You'd think that Michael's death would leave a vacuum. Castiel had been prepared to fight for his life once news of his part in Michael's exile was revealed. Instead when he returned to Heaven he was offered a place as lieutenant and the remaining Archangels had seized control with little mess. Most angels were made to lead and follow, as Castiel had once been. They looked to Castiel for leadership first, as he was now and forever known as the angel who had been granted life. Castiel had no ambition to lead. The thought of guiding the other Angels was not one he cherished. So he left it to Raphael. And Raphael took the reins without hesitation. He despised Castiel and made that very clear but he wasn't about to take on the Angel that God had brought back to life, stronger than ever. Castiel believed that even as powerful as he had become, there was still no chance that he could stand against any Archangel. Raphael believed otherwise and chose to leave him alone. They had reached an impasse of sorts. As long as Castiel continued to have no ambition to lead, than Raphael would let him be in peace. There were many disappointed by Castiel's refusal to take control and they would still follow him. Raphael's leadership was insecure for the moment and he knew it.

His brief stay in Heaven was not a total loss. He discovered that Gabriel had been returned to life as well, though he chose to remain as he had been. An angel disguised as a simple Trickster. No one knew he was alive except Castiel. And it would remain that way until Gabriel chose to reveal himself. He was next in line when it came to power but Castiel understood the desire to live a life free from responsibility, for the first time in his existence. He had been living that life for the past months, hunting with Dean and Sam. There was no higher calling than destroying the evil that haunted the world. He had been happy. And now that life was lost to him and he needed to find a different purpose in life. He had met up with a friend during his short stay. Balzathar was an arrogant, rebellious angel who had been walking the line when it came to falling. No angel wanted to be associated with him. He was an opportunistic loner who enjoyed the comforts in life and the abilities angels had too much to actually rip out his grace and fall. But despite this Castiel still remembered the days when Balthazar had been a fierce warrior and a devoted friend. He had saved Castiel's life and the love he felt for his brother would always remain. Balthazar had taken to walking the Earth, much like Gabriel had, hiding his identity and amassing wealth. He resided in a mansion in the countryside of England but he was often seen in Heaven. And that was where he met up with Castiel.

Castiel told him his entire sad tale of love and loss. The loss of a love he had never had and the loss of a strong friendship with Sam. Sam did not come without Dean and so he must cut both of them out of his life. Balthazar had first shown complete disbelief that his "Cassy" as he called Castiel could actually feel human emotion. Cas had always been the coldest warrior. But as he took in the abject misery on his favourite angel's face he had come to realize that this was no joke. Of course he'd wanted to hunt down Dean Winchester and rip him limb from limb as retribution but Castiel had put a stop to those thoughts. It was as he had pointed out, not Dean's fault he had fallen for a womanizer. He would have to deal with this heartache some other way. Balthazar had been thoughtful after that. His first suggestion of getting completely wasted under the table and then finding some companionship as a general 'fuck you' to Dean was considered and rejected. Castiel had no desire to know any man's body but Dean's and the sheer amount of alcohol it would take to forget his miseries would also cause the most severe hangover in history. He had seen Dean after a binge enough times to know that it wasn't desirable. So Balthazar suggested that they simply wander and take in the overabundance of beauty that their Father had created. And maybe kill some demons and other monsters that roamed the earth as they happened on them. Castiel didn't really see an agreeable alternative. He had known only two things in his life: being a soldier of God and being a hunter. He had enjoyed the latter much more and he thought hunting again might give him the peace he sought. It would no doubt stir some painful memories but he had never considered himself a coward and he would face them head on. Finally decided, Cas and Balthazar bought a car, a classic that was similar to Dean's and set out on their adventure. Of course within the first week they crashed the car a total of 116 times. As an angel, neither of them had had the need or opportunity to learn how to drive. But cars were easily fixed when you had the instant power to do so and driving soon came to both of them with much practice. Castiel felt that he was starting to heal and it was a good feeling.

Now Sam on the other hand was mad with worry. He had begun to worry about Cas' disappearance only a few hours after. Dean had presumably gone to the bar and Sam was left alone to contemplate the events of the day. He had tried to call Cas more than once, pleading for his presence. But Cas had only appeared with any certainty to Dean when he called. And Sam was more than a little miffed about that now. He was Cas' friend too and he felt like favouritism, especially considering what had transpired earlier was uncalled for. Of course he figured Cas would need time to recover from Dean's cruelty. And cruelty it was. The expression of devastation on the angel's face had actually caused an ache in Sam's chest. He had never known what it was like to be rejected by the person you loved and in that regard, he was lucky. But he was now left alone without that same person and he knew the sting and ache of living without them. He couldn't understand Dean's obstinacy. If he had the chance to live with Jess again he would snap it up. Dean had the chance for his happily-ever-after sitting right in front of him and he chose to continue the type of lifestyle that had never provided any comfort or joy. It had become a habit really by now. A habit that Dean couldn't seem to shake.

He paced his room and continued to call and pray to Cas to no avail. He understood that the angel needed the time to himself but Sam needed to reassure him that Dean was an idiot and that maybe Cas needed to take the initiative. The way they had been living would have been perfect except for the underlying tension that was always there. Sam wanted that gone and he wanted his brother and friend settled and together as soon as possible. If Dean didn't ruin everything. Sam called Dean's cell and left several messages. He tried the cell they had given Cas but he was told every time that the customer could not be reached. Where the hell had Cas gone? The irony of the statement wasn't lost on Sam but it gave him the answer. Not hell but heaven. He was an angel and heaven was safe and familiar. He prayed some more and then chose to call it a night. Cas would be safe for the time being and Dean would get his head out of his ass sooner or later. There was nothing Sam could do about it that night.

Just as he started to drift off, someone banged on the door. Dean. Cas could have just appeared in the room, but even if he had knocked he wasn't the sort to bang. Sam sighed and hoped that Dean had made the right decision. When he opened the door he actually had to take a step back at the smell. Dean smelled like he had taken a bath in a mixture of tequila and vodka. His stare was fixed on some point behind Sam and from the amount of swaying he was doing, Sam figured he'd got drunk and hadn't stopped there.

"Sup, Sam? Whers Cas? Gotta tell that bashard-batard-that _guy_ somethin'" Sam grabbed the front of his shirt as Dean stumbled back and almost went over the railing.

He tugged Dean in the room with a sigh. At least he didn't smell like sex. Of course the smell of alcohol could just be overpowering anything else but Sam doubted anyone would have found Dean attractive in this state. His eyes were glazed and Sam had no idea how he had managed to climb the stairs. Dean couldn't even stand anymore. He'd crumpled onto the bed as soon as Sam let him go. Dean was now looking around the room with narrowed eyes. Sam went to get him a cup of water and hoped that Dean didn't try to get up in the short time it took him to fill up the glass.

Dean was thankfully still lying down when Sam returned. He held Dean's head up and forced him to drink the water. Dean coughed half of it up but smiled at Sam gratefully. He looked around again and frowned.

"Cas?"

"He's not here Dean. He hasn't come back from when we were in the car. Where have you been?" He waited patiently for the answer, having dealt with his brother in this state a few times. Once Sam was old enough to care for himself Dean really went overboard a few times, almost as if to make up for all the years he was stuck sitting at a motel with Sam instead of out partying.

"My room. Bought a loooot of beer." Dean was already half asleep. That at least answered the question of stairs. Dean's room was only five doors down. Sam was relieved. He didn't have to worry about Dean ruining anything, at least not tonight. Cas would come back soon and maybe he would be able to forgive Dean for being such a jerk.

"Time for bed Sleeping Beauty. I really should get you to drink more water but I think I'll enjoy it more when you wake up tomorrow."

"Bitch." The insult was little more than a half-hearted whisper. Dean was passed out directly after.

"Jerk." Sam made sure Dean was lying on his side before he slid under the covers of the other bed. Cas didn't really need a bed but Sam liked to think he would be happy with the consideration. He wondered briefly when Cas would be back before he drifted off to sleep.

The next morning Sam was woken up by the sound of Dean puking his guts out. He smiled and stretched. Served Dean right for the stunt he pulled yesterday. Now all they had to do was collect Cas and leave this town.

"Cas?"

He got up and looked around. No sign of Cas anywhere. Maybe he had spent the night in the other room? Sam dug through Dean's jacket and grabbed his room key. He didn't even have to bother. The room door was ajar. He shoved the key in his pocket and pushed the door open. There were empty bottles all over the room and what looked like vomit on the bathroom room floor but the room was otherwise empty. And Sam doubted that Cas would have left the door open if he'd been here. He probably would have gotten rid of the mess with a little angel mojo. Sam sighed, now completely worried. Where the hell was Cas?

Dean was stretched out on one of the beds when Sam returned to the room. He winced when Sam shut the door.

"Could you be quiet Sammy?"

"No, Dean. Cas is gone."

Dean waved his hand in dismissal. "He'll be back. He's probably still sulking somewhere."

"Cas doesn't sulk." Sam said pointedly. "I'm worried. Can you please just call him? I tried to already and he ignored me."

Dean sat up and rolled his eyes. But Sam could tell that he was getting worried too. He watched as Dean shut his eyes. "Oh Cas, can you get your feathery ass down here…please? We need to talk." He opened his eyes and looked around. "Come on Cas! I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry."

Sam started to pace. "We need to call Bobby. Maybe he's there."

They had both rooms cleaned and were on the road within twenty minutes. Bobby had no idea where Cas was but they were heading there right away. They needed to figure out how to get Cas to come back. Dean was in a piss poor mood the entire ride. Sam had no clue why Cas would be gone so long. Dean wondered if he'd somehow heard some of the stuff he'd said. He hoped not, but if he had he was determined to get his best friend back. Cas had to forgive him. He wasn't sure how he'd react if he didn't. The thought of never seeing Cas again left him cold. There was no way he could let him go. He sat there looking out the passenger's side window and started to work on just what he was going to say to make Cas forgive him.

**Just a reminder. This story is AU after the apocalypse so if anything doesn't make sense just go with it. I'm not sticking to the timeline at all. I introduced Balthazar in this chapter. Did you like it? Lol. I also brought Gabriel back to life. Why? Because he was one of my favourite characters. He might make a brief appearance but he's not going to be a major character. I just wanted him alive. Let me know what you think! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**I was going to put this story on the back-shelf for the moment. But the reviews of Ms. Alice Brandon , defending-alien and the guest reviewer Bianca have inspired me to keep working on it. Thank you guys for the kind reviews. I'd like to thank Ms. Alice Brandon especially. Her comment on Balthazar influenced the way I wrote him for this chapter. Lol. I think he kind of had a thing for Cas too!**

**All my stories have no beta. I am looking for one so if anyone wants to offer let me know! I received a PM recently pointing out that I sometimes switch words and letters around. If you see any mistakes let me know! I'm dyslexic and while I reread my chapters and catch most mistakes I do miss a few.**

* * *

Being on the road with Balthazar was…nice. They bickered, as Balthazar put it, like any friends. Well it was mostly Balthazar purposely riling Castiel up. He said he enjoyed the flush on Castiel's face because it made it easier to picture what he looked like after spending the night with him. He hadn't actually phrased it that way but it was the only way Castiel felt comfortable thinking about it. Either way the comment was ridiculous. He never had a flush on his face in his entire existence and he'd never spent the night with someone before. Not the whole night anyway and not doing any of the things Balthazar implied. The nights with Dean were short and it hurt too much to think about them so he didn't. He was pleased that he was starting to get accustomed to the subtleties of vernacular of the world around him. A few months ago he would never have understood that spending the night with someone implied carnal acts. He wasn't sure if he should be ashamed of his new-found ease with slang terms but he was pleased none the less. He figured some of it was directly the fault of Balthazar. He had never hidden the fact that he would love to do some cloud seeding with his fellow angel. Of course the phrase reminded him of Dean and it was clear that he wasn't anywhere closer to curing himself of his hated emotions for the man. Castiel turned Balthazar down with alarming frequency but the other angel was merely amused and plotted ways to change his mind. The phrases he used to entice Castiel were actually rather vulgar and faintly alarming. Still traveling with Balthazar was exactly what he needed. He was an angel used to attention and so he made sure that Castiel was focused on him much of the time. It left Castiel little time to think of his aching chest and the invisible hole that only the presence of Sam, and Dean in particular could fill. And it was nice to be wanted. Even if he wasn't entirely comfortable with it.

They found monsters to hunt much the same way Dean and Sam did, through unusual deaths in the newspaper and on the internet. Castiel still was inept at using the internet so he left that form of searching to Balthazar. It was annoying to admit that although Balthazar was on Earth for a shorter period of time he picked up things faster. Castiel still had issues impersonating an officer of the law. He was a terrible liar and he still felt the urge to simply tell them the truth. He was an angel of the Lord. Therefore they needed to help him. How hard was that? And it was truthful. Balthazar merely rolled his eyes and laughed at him when he said this. Another thing that reminded him of Dean. Would he ever be rid of his memory? Of course not. In the millennia of his existence he forgot nothing.

Balthazar pulled into a parking lot and honked the horn to gain his attention. He scowled as Balthazar smiled cheekily. "You weren't paying attention to me. I was talking for hours and you never acknowledged me once. I had to resort to any means necessary. Be thankful that I didn't throw myself at you."

Castiel rolled his eyes, an act which he was sure he'd perfected. He'd studied himself in the bathroom mirror as he did so. Possibly for hours. When there was little to do but wait, he had to find ways to occupy his time. "Balthazar, exaggeration is still lying. We were on the road for only 44 minutes since our last stop. That is not hours. Why are we stopping now? We have no need."

"Figured you might want some pie." Balthazar pouted but the gleam in his eye was mischievous. He'd caught Castiel practicing his eye roll on more than one occasion. Castiel spoke first so Balthazar didn't have a chance to tease him about it, again.

"Well are we exiting the car? " He opened the car door before Balthazar had a chance to answer. A habit he had chosen to pick up, rather than simply appearing outside the vehicle.

They had stopped at a low budget diner. It was exactly the kind of place Dean loved. He said they made the best pie at places like these. And they made the best burgers, which Castiel had taken a liking to. Pie was a very close second though. He rubbed his chest, right above where his heart ached and sighed. Perhaps he should accustom himself to the things that reminded him of Dean. There seemed to be many of them. Avoiding them was cowardice and counterproductive. Balthazar had money but Castiel wasn't sure if he had gotten it by legal means. The less they spent, meant the less that was stolen from innocent people. The thought had never bothered him before, when he was still with his garrison. He had never before thought of the cares and concerns of individual people. He'd cared about humanity only as a whole. It was Sam's influence that had him thinking of action and consequence. Dean called the people he stole credit card information from, suckers. Sam said he had never agreed with the way they earned money but he had come to terms with it. When saving lives you sometimes couldn't control the ripples and who was affected. Sam tried to earn as much of it as he could by playing pool and poker and winning it. Unfortunately although Dean and Sam tried their best to teach him to play pool, he still wasn't good enough to win money off of people. He excelled at Poker because he could simply pluck the thoughts of what hand they had from their minds. And Dean said he had the best poker face he'd ever seen. Castiel had smiled for the first time when Dean had told him that. It left him feeling proud and for the first time like a member of their team.

Castiel was brought out of his thoughts by a sharp elbow to the stomach. He had managed to enter the diner and sit down without noticing. The waitress was a middle-aged woman and she was tapping her foot impatiently.

"Well honey, what'll it be?" He blinked and looked around. She rolled her eyes.

"A burger, loaded. And a piece of pie. What kind do you have?" Not that it really mattered. He found he liked almost every pie, except lemon meringue. The yellow jello-y portion was not a pleasant flavour.

The waitress sighed and listed them off in a bored monotone. "We got apple, blueberry, pumpkin, chocolate, cherry-"

"Cherry." He found he favoured the taste of cherry pie over any other. Sometimes he would imagine what Dean's mouth would taste like after he had some cherry pie. His two favourite things.

"Anything to drink?"

He shook his head. "I am sufficiently hydrated thank you."

The waitress raised an eyebrow but turned around and left, mumbling about pretty boys with empty heads and funny ways of talking.

"Did you not want to eat something, Balthazar?" After all, eating wasn't a necessity being an angel. It was just something he enjoyed doing and he was determined to make his life as enjoyable as possible.

Balthazar seemed to ignore the question. "Oh Cassy, where was your pretty, empty head at? Off in the clouds? Maybe thinking of a particular Winchester brother? I find myself rather found of Sam. All that muscle and he's so big! I bet he's an animal in bed." Balthazar sighed dramatically.

"Sam Winchester is heterosexual. I'm not sure why you take the time to speculate what he is like 'in bed' as you put it." Castiel even did air quotes when he said _in bed_. He didn't notice the attention he was attracting with his loud, bitter words, as he was too busy thinking of the other Winchester brother. "And you didn't answer my question."

Balthazar smirked. "As I recall, both Winchester brothers are firmly playing for a side we are not. That hasn't stopped you from fantasizing about Dean, has it?"

Castiel had never heard that particular saying before and it annoyed him. And for Balthazar to bring it up so callously after Castiel had told him of his hurt angered him. "I'm not sure why you are discussing athletic games but Sam and Dean do not play for any teams. As for my 'fantasizing'," he used some more air quotes. "That is different!"

Balthazar raised an eyebrow and his smirk widened. "If you say so, Castiel."

"It is," he insisted stubbornly.

"And why would my lusting after Sam be any different than you lusting after Dean?"

"Because I love Dean Winchester!" He exploded. "And you know it! Why you insist on goading me into admitting it…" And he saw the reason Balthazar had poked at him. He lost his voice as his heart felt like it had jumped into his throat, despite the absurdity of the observation. Hearts were physically incapable of jumping into throats.

Dean was standing two tables away, wearing an expression of disbelief. Sam was behind him with a wide smile but Castiel couldn't focus past Dean. Dean's eyes were wide and unfocused and his heart was beating fast. Cas reached out to him and flinched as Dean seemed to come out of his shock and stepped back. It was the only signal Cas needed. He was gone from the diner in the next second, too cowardly to face the consequences of his words. He heard Dean call his name but he willed himself away from that place. Balthazar would find him easily in Heaven and he was obviously trying to force a confrontation. Castiel couldn't trust anyone it seemed. There was only one being he could bargain with for sanctuary. One angel who was stronger than both Balthazar and Castiel. He could only hope that he would have sympathy for him. After all, Gabriel's death was partially the fault of Dean and Sam.

Dean cursed as Cas disappeared. "Damn it!'

The man Cas had been sitting across from rose out of his seat and turned towards him. Dean considered for the briefest second that Cas had somehow replaced him. But then he dismissed it. He was much better looking than this guy. And why the hell was he comparing looks when Cas had run out on them, again.

"Who the hell are you?"

The guy smirked and for a second the diner crackled with energy. The people around them grew silent. Dean looked around. Cas' exit hadn't exactly been stealthy. Though the diner was small it looked as if everyone in the town they were in was eating lunch. It was filled without a single empty table or stool. And the majority of the people were looking towards Dean and Sam with confused expressions. A man disappearing into thin air wasn't something the average person saw every day.

Dean watched them warily but they all seemed to be frozen, locked into place with their stupid expressions still on their faces. "What did you do?" He was angry and his chest was hurting. He wanted to tear the room apart, or drink himself under the table. For one second he'd allowed himself to hope that they could go back to normal and forget the weeks of being apart. But Cas' declaration had confirmed what Sam had been hinting at. And Dean wasn't exactly sure he was ready to do this…not with Cas or any dude. Nameless sex with random women, he was good with that. Embarking on a relationship with a man who was actually an Angel was crazy. And he'd never looked at another guy the way he sometimes found himself looking at Cas.

Dean cursed when Sam unexpectedly smacked him on the back of the head. Dean was ready to throw punches when Sam pointed to the other guy with the smirk on his face. He'd obviously been talking and Dean had missed what he'd said.

"What?" Dean demanded.

"Well I was just telling Sam here that I was trying to reunite you with Castiel. Unfortunately some people have the subtlety of a bull in a china shop. I mean, really Dean? You couldn't have hidden your distaste at Castiel's touch? Now I fear that we won't be able to find Cassy no matter where we look or how well." The blond guy, who was obviously a dick angel sighed dramatically. Dean wanted to punch him in the face.

And Cassy was not a dignified nickname for Castiel. At least Cas still managed to sound manly. "Look angel, Cas has been avoiding us for weeks. You think you could accomplish what Bobby and we couldn't? He obviously doesn't want to see us."

The angel rolled his eyes. "The name, as I've already mentioned, is Balthazar. And you have that wrong. Castiel misses Sam and Bobby Singer. He even misses you on occasion. He simply does not want to see you because you are an ass. And you broke Cassy's little heart. Never mind that there is a perfectly spectacular replacement standing right in front of you." Balthazar preened a little and grinned mischievously at Dean's glower. "But that's beside the point. Castiel is miserable and he's a friend."

Dean balled his fists, ready to hit the angel. Sam placed a hand on his arm and squeezed, restraining him and offering reassurance at the same time.

"We want Cas to come back Balthazar. That's all we want. Dean is sorry, although he doesn't know how to show it. He just wants the chance to apologize for the way he acted in the car. I think Cas might be taking his words too seriously. Dean didn't mean it." Of course Sam was talking about the incident when both Sam and Cas were in the car. Dean still hadn't told Sam about what he'd said afterwards. What Cas must have heard to still be running away from them.

Balthazar gave Sam a pitying look. "You might be pretty but you sure are slow. No offence but why would Castiel, an angel who has fought demons and fallen angels, who has helped stop the apocalypse and pulled Dean Winchester's sorry ass out of Hell be still upset about an incident so insignificant? I may not know you as he does but from what I've heard, Dean acting like a jerk is not an uncommon occurrence. So what could have Dean said to make Castiel run for the hills? Only Dean, Cas and I seem to know." He raised an eyebrow at Sam's look of confusion.

"Dean, what did you say to Cas?"

And here was the moment Dean had been dreading. He hadn't told Sam about what he'd said because he knew he'd just get another version of the bitchface. Sam would just blame him for Cas abandoning them. It didn't matter that it was Dean's fault. He hated disappointing his little brother.

"Sammy, I didn't mean it." He rubbed the back of his head and glared at Balthazar. This was his fault.

"What did you tell him?" Sam insisted with a stubborn edge to his voice. When he got like this there was no lying or distracting him.

"I didn't tell him anything. It wasn't my fault he was eavesdropping." Dean looked at his shoes, the memory of his words filling him with shame. "I might have said I wish Cas didn't make things so awkward and that I might want him to go away…permanently. But I didn't mean it!"

Sam said nothing. Dean looked anywhere but at Sam. He looked at the people surrounding them, frozen in their masks of confusion. He might have found this funny at another time. Right now it just reminded him that Cas had run away at the sight of them. Because Dean had broken his heart. He looked at Balthazar who was watching him with smug rebuke and shaking his head. Dean couldn't muster the anger it would take to strike him. He looked at his boots, scuffed and worn. He looked at the water spots on the ceiling and out the dusty windows. He looked at the waitress carrying a tray with a plate of cherry pie and a cheeseburger. Obviously Cas' order. Still Sam said nothing. Finally he looked at Sam. And the disappointment on his face made Dean feel small. Sam had never looked at him like this, not once. And Dean had given him more than enough opportunities. Sam hadn't even looked at him like this when he'd considered giving into Michael and dooming the world to the apocalypse, or when he'd found out that giving up in Hell had been the first seal to break Lucifer out of the cage. What was the big deal?

But of course it was a big deal. Cas had helped them through a lot. He'd kicked Dean's ass when he'd considered giving into Michael. He'd fought for them, bled for them, died for them. And he just happened to fall in love with the biggest asshole on the planet. It wasn't his fault there was something wrong with Dean. It wasn't Cas' fault that Dean wasn't sure he had room to care for him more than he did. Because being in love was completely different than loving your best friend. You didn't have to tell your best friend you loved them. It was understood. You didn't reach out for your friend in the middle of the night when you were feeling lost or uncertain of the future. You didn't have the urge to kiss your best friend until your lips were swollen and you were out of breath.

When you loved someone it didn't matter that their lips were chapped, their chin rough with stubble, their voice a deep rumble that managed to sound sexier than the most practiced phone sex operator. Loving your best friend was frightening and Dean hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. He'd hoped that by shoving it deep down where he didn't realize what he felt would be enough. He didn't want to be in love. Look at what had happened with Cassie. He'd let her in and she'd shoved him away, unable to deal with his lifestyle.

Dean knew what it was like to be rejected and hurt and heart-broken. Everyone he'd ever loved had left him. His mom had died. Sammy had left him to go to college and have a normal life. His father had abandoned him because he'd been afraid of what Sam would become and then he'd chosen to die. Sam would leave him again, eventually. The pain from losing Jess would fade and he would fall in love again and settle down. And Dean would be left alone, again. It stood to reason that Cas would leave him. As much as he attempted to act as a man, he was not. He was an angel possessing a man's body and he wouldn't age or die. Soon enough he would lose interest and realize the love he felt for Dean was absurd. A part of Dean just wanted to push him away before that could happen. But a bigger part of Dean was selfish and he wanted Cas to forgive him and take whatever he could get. And being friends wasn't messy or complicating. It was easy and reassuring to know that Dean wouldn't have to worry about Cas leaving him because he was tired of him. He'd seen the best and worst of him and had stuck around. It was an absurd thought, considering Cas was still a virgin but Dean wasn't sure if he could provide a satisfactory performance. He'd never had sex with a man before and he'd never wanted to. What if they tried this relationship thing and Dean wouldn't be able to follow through? What if he did like it but Cas didn't? But the thing that worried him most was what if Cas looked into Dean's heart and found him lacking?

"We have to find Cas." Sam's voice interrupted his bleak thoughts and he tried to shake the doubts away. "Where would he have gone? To heaven? Definitely not Bobby's. He has to know by now that you sent that note letting us know where he would be straight to Bobby."

Balthazar shook his head. "He won't return to heaven. He'll want to hide from me, seeing as I betrayed him. There's only one angel I know of that might help him out, depending on what he can offer him."

"And that would be?" Sam was impatient and obviously angry from Dean's revelation.

"Gabriel."

"Gabriel?" Dean laughed. "I hate to break it to you Balthazar but Lucifer killed him."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "And God brought him back."

Dean looked at Sam, who was wearing the same dumbstruck expression as Dean was. Gabriel was alive. "But why didn't he contact us?"

Balthazar groaned. "Right, he's eager to talk to the two boys that practically shoved a conscience down his throat. Look where that got him, an angel blade shoved in his gut. Fun times."

"I thought God was done helping?"

That earned an exasperated sigh. "I don't know. I'm not God and I don't pretend to know how he thinks. All I know is that Gabriel is alive and well and back to his old tricks. And he just wants to be left alone. Cassy knew this and let him be because he's soft and he felt going against Lucifer gave the guy a right to some peace and quiet. I don't care that Gabriel is alive. He's a smarmy smart-ass and I don't like him."

Dean smirked. "And you're jealous of him."

"I'm not…do you want help finding Castiel or what? Gabriel is going to be hard to pin down. If he even agrees to help Castiel in the first place."

"We've done it before." Sam pointed out.

Balthazar sighed. "And he'll have figured out a way to circumvent what you did before. He's not an Archangel for nothing." Balthazar clapped his hands together. "So what'll it be boys? I can sit here answering mindless questions instead of trying to find Castiel or go and lie on a warm beach somewhere while an attractive cabana boy gives me a massage. Which do you think I prefer? Because my shoulders could really use the massage."

Dean and Sam looked at each other. Sam raised an eyebrow, his disappointment still clear in the downturn of his mouth. Dean shrugged when what he really wanted to do was grab Balthazar by the shoulders and beg him to find Cas.

Sam nodded solemnly. "We're in. Anything to find Cas. He's family."

**Hope you enjoyed!**


	7. Chapter 7

**I watched the season 8 finale tonight (Or I guess technically yesterday) and I had to post another chapter. It reminded me of earlier seasons that I really enjoyed. I feel like season 9 is going to be awesome! So in this chapter Cas meets the new, slightly bitter and OOC Gabriel. I wondered where Angels go when they die. My interpretation is a form of Angel purgatory I suppose. Every man for himself, but maybe a little less blood-thirsty. Feel free to disagree but I do describe it briefly. Anyway my point is that the Gabriel for this story is changed by the experience, a little darker, a little more angry to start off with.**

**Thank you guys so much for the reviews! I didn't get a chance to respond to them this chapter but I did read them! I promise I'll do better next chapter! Just a quick response to a hopeful query about adding some Sabriel. I have no idea if I'll pair Sam and Gabriel yet. I'm tempted to. What do you guys think?**

**Supernatural does not belong to me. My stories currently have no beta so all mistakes are my own. If you're interested in becoming my beta for any story just send me a pm!**

* * *

Cas found Gabriel only because he was allowed to. Perhaps Gabriel had heard he was looking for him or maybe he wanted something from Cas. More than likely he was amused with Cas' heartbreak and wanted to gloat. Cas found him in an abandoned warehouse. It was derelict and looked condemned from the outside. When Cas entered he was surrounded by decadence. Scantily clothed woman swung from poles and circled him as soon as he entered. He had the strongest urge to flee. The alarm he was feeling was not imagined as the women surrounding him groped and grabbed and reached for him. He searched for Gabriel desperately, heavily reminded of the moment in that brothel with Dean when Dean was so determined for him to lose his virginity. Simpler times when he didn't love Dean yet, when Dean was easy in his presence. He jumped as one particularly wanton woman reached for his belt and tugged on the buckle with determination. That did it for Cas. He went from scared to terrified and angry in an instant. The feeling of violation was strong. He did not want this and Gabriel was cruel to initiate it.

They were gone a second later and Cas was faced with Gabriel's cruel smile. He looked the same as his vessel had been returned to him, but also infinitely different. The look in his eye wasn't simply playful and mischievous anymore. He looked bitter, the lines around his mouth etched deeper and his eyes filled with dark mirth. He had changed in the place all angels were released to after their final deaths. Cas recalled so little of his time across on the other side. He either hadn't been there long enough for it to make an impression or he'd been forced to forget. Brief moments that could have been days or hours. Gabriel on the other hand was there for a few months and a few months on earth was infinitely longer there. Worse than even the time lapse in Hell. There were rumours it wasn't bad for every angel, a sort of Heaven beyond Heaven. But for Gabriel, who had attempted to kill Lucifer, who had abandoned Heaven and chose a life among humans it would have been torturous beyond the gates of that domain. There was no semblance of order there, no hierarchy but the one that was forged in blood. Angels could not die there but they could feel pain and they could bleed. For some, it meant infinite torture. Perhaps this was why God had pulled Gabriel from that place. A reward for his last minute repentance.

Or maybe it had been a paradise for Gabriel on the other side and he was bitter about being returned. Only Gabriel could enlighten Castiel. The look on his face hardly promised he would share. The look in his eyes promised pain and humiliation. The change in demeanour shocked Cas. Would this angel, with such an obvious distaste for the life he led be willing to help him? Did he even want his help?

"Well Castiel, do you doubt me? After you've come this far to ask for my assistance." A sucker appeared in Gabriel's mouth. For once, it looked completely out of place.

"I'm sorry, I was not aware of your change."

Gabriel laughed, a sound like a bark of compressed air, low and sharp. "A change? Yes I have changed. I was once an Archangel who became a simple Trickster. A Trickster who was persuaded to once again act as an Archangel. But I've always known that to get involved in family politics was ill advised. The other side, as you seem to have labelled it in your mind, was a dark place for me. There were too many enemies who despised the life that I chose, too many weaker angels afraid of the power that I had. It was not an easy existence but I carved out a life for myself. It took centuries, which perhaps is not so long. But even a week felt too long as I was ambushed quite regularly, like clockwork. Finally, I earned respect and the chance to live quietly, amusing myself with whatever I chose. I gained influence, I became feared. So yes, I changed, I adapted. And just when my life had become bearable I was pulled from there and brought back here. To this world of humans with their petty concerns and angels who still fight backhandedly with words rather than deeds. Heaven is ruled by imposters and our Father has abandoned us. And yet here you stand little brother; unharmed as always with the Winchesters so close on your trail. Nothing much has changed. But still I'm returned to a place where I am no longer needed, where I no longer care for. A punishment? Maybe. A prison? Most likely. But even angels can go to Hell and I've no desire to become some Demon's whipping boy. The only other option would be to lead the demons, and I would hope that even I am not lost enough to become who I fought against in my last moments."

Cas remained silent, sorrow filling him at his brother's lifeless eyes. Gabriel had always been the most human out of them all. And now it seemed that who he was had been lost. Who was he now? And why had he let Cas find him? Gone was the cheerful angel who had sought to amuse himself with cruel, yet warranted, lessons. Gone was the carefree smile and the twinkle in his eye that promised fun and mischief. His eyes were now cold and calculating, the smile on his face a cruel twist of his mouth. Cas had the faintest urge to shiver. Even the women he had conjured seemed to be affected by Gabriel's temperament. They stalked towards Cas with scowls, fists clenched. Was this someone he could trust? He wanted to say yes, to embrace his brother after their time apart. They were still brothers and Cas had hoped that with Gabriel he could find a sense of family that he was having trouble finding elsewhere. Balthazar was too flirty for Cas to be completely at ease, the other angels too different from who he'd become for him to feel truly comfortable. And he'd ruined the feeling of belonging he'd had travelling with Sam and Dean with his wretched emotions. Gabriel had always been his older brother, one he respected and who all angels looked up to, even if they had never been close. He'd hoped they could somehow bond through their shared experiences.

"Perhaps I should go." Cas spoke awkwardly, a part of him still hoping for the Gabriel he'd known to object and welcome him. He turned to leave, half afraid that Gabriel was truly as cold as he appeared and would somehow try to imprison him here. He walked towards the door slowly as the walls around him shifted with Gabriel's emotions.

"Wait, Castiel!"

Cas turned and dared to look in his brother's eyes. Gabriel's expression was one of uncertainty. His eyes flicking from the door to Cas. The sucker disappeared in a moment and Gabriel seemed to debate with himself. Finally he held his arms open, a seemingly genuine smile of welcome appearing on his face.

The caution Cas had been feeling disappeared. Maybe it was a trick on Gabriel's part but he was certain he could feel his sincerity. Cas moved into those arms, seeking the comfort of his brother. He felt himself shudder as the emotions of seeing Dean again caught up with him. Gabriel held him loosely, awkward in his role of providing comfort.

"There, there Cas. I'm sure it's not all bad. Let big brother Gabriel figure it out."

Gabriel conjured a facsimile of Heaven to surround them. The warm glow that had felt so foreign to Cas in recent times finally providing the comfort he needed. He was confused and the ache in his chest was more than unpleasant. The picture of Gabriel patting Cas' back was probably a ridiculous one. Two grown men did not hold each other this way. At least, Dean had always said it was unmanly. The embraces he shared with Sam were only in times of great distress or relief. Dean would never admit that even he needed the comfort a simple hug provided. But Cas felt content in that moment. The relationship between Gabriel and himself was one of an older brother comforting his younger brother. Cas would always look to Gabriel for wisdom, as all angels looked to Archangels. He felt young again, incompetent and uncertain. All because of Dean.

Gabriel pushed him away carefully, inspecting Cas' face. "What is it about you Castiel that has me feeling the urge to pummel that Winchester boy into the ground? You inspire a surprising amount of loyalty." Gabriel looked thoughtful for a moment but then shrugged. "It's those eyes of yours. Sort of remind me of a puppy. All big and sad." The smile Cas was once used to returned. "Well, what shall we do about your predicament? I can't kill Dean, as much as I would love to repay the favor of my death." He winked to show he was joking. The sucker appeared in his mouth again and he licked it as he started to pace. The room around them changed into a library of sorts, with bookcases lining the walls and a huge wing-back chair sitting in front of a blazing fireplace made out of marble. Cas had no idea where they were supposed to be.

He eyed Gabriel's clothes with confusion. He was wearing a double-brimmed cloth hat that Cas hadn't seen in decades, a long tan overcoat fitted over a dark vest and long-collared shirt with a cloth scarf wrapped around his throat. His pants were dark and straight-legged, his shoes black and well-shined. His sucker disappeared once again, replaced by a pipe. Cas almost smiled as Gabriel blew on his pipe with an expression of intense concentration, only to have bubbles pop out of the end.

"I'm not sure what purpose the outfit serves. It looks…" Cas tried to think of a word he could use that wouldn't insult Gabriel. The entire ensemble was one he believed may have been in fashion almost two centuries ago. He was sure the cap was called a 'deerstalker'. On Gabriel it looked ridiculous.

Gabriel stopped pacing and raised an eyebrow as Cas looked for an apt description. "Castiel, obviously you've never seen a Sherlock Holmes film. I'm almost ashamed of you. I'm just trying to set the mood." Still the outfit disappeared, as well as their surroundings. They were left in the empty warehouse, Gabriel wearing a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a brown jacket.

"Spoilsport." The archangel chewed on a chocolate bar and looked around. "Before we figure out what to do about Dean we really need to find some new digs. Using as much angel mojo as I have been, will only attract unwanted attention."

Cas nodded in agreement, relief filling him at the knowledge that Gabriel was willing to help him. He waited for Gabriel's decision on their next move patiently.

"Cas, before we go…" Gabriel looked almost shy for a second, his eyes downcast. "Thanks for reminding me of who I am."

Cas tilted his head in confusion. "I did nothing but seek your help."

Gabriel shrugged. "Focusing on your issues made mine seem a little less depressing." The moment passed as his jovial confidence returned. He grinned. "I almost forgot how awesome I am."

Cas nodded, pleased he could help Gabriel in even a small way. Gabriel grabbed his arm and they disappeared with the usual flutter of wings.

**So? A little abrupt with the ending but I hope you enjoyed it! I'm a little nervous about the response to this chapter. I didn't intend to have Gabriel in this story at all but I couldn't help myself. He was one of my favorite characters. I feel like this is the first chapter that is truly OOC for the story. Forgive the mistakes. It's after 2 am where I am and this chapter was written in a rush.**


	8. Chapter 8

**So it's a short chapter but it moves the story along. There will only be about two chapters left. This was a hard chapter to write but I'm satisfied with the end result. Some people were disappointed with the last couple chapters. I'm okay with that and hope you enjoy this chapter. **

* * *

Cas felt betrayed at first. Gabriel had agreed to help him. He'd felt relief knowing there was someone more qualified than he was deciding what they should do. Now he was panicking when he thought of Gabriel's foolproof plan. He said that running from Dean wasn't going to solve the problem. Castiel felt for the first time the urge to vomit when he thought of facing Dean. He was supposed to be a soldier, strong and unafraid. For the first time he felt so disconnected from being an Angel. He felt simply like a man. He feared he wasn't handling his new-found emotions very well. Gabriel said he had the flare for the dramatic. Cas was apparently going too over the top with his methods of avoiding Dean. He wanted to disagree. He wanted to believe that what he was doing was right, that he wasn't afraid of rejection. He knew it was coming. He knew that he would have to face Dean eventually. He just felt like he wasn't ready. Gabriel told him that if they waited until he was ready Dean might have already died of old age. Angels were resistant to change. Castiel was different than most angels. When Gabriel spoke of his years away from Heaven he described a gradual change. Decades, centuries even, of adjusting to his new life on Earth, slowly changing from the proud Angel he had been to the carefree Trickster Sam and Dean had met. Cas did not have years to decide who he would be. He did not have years to shape himself into a new mold, and he feared that even if he did that Dean would not recognize the man he could become. He clung to who he was and who he was in Heaven was not who he wanted to be on Earth. He looked to Gabriel for orders but Gabriel gave him none. Gabriel said his issue was not with loving Dean but with coming to terms with himself. He was letting his love for Dean define him and it was unhealthy. He needed to find out who he wanted to be and the first step would be to face Dean. If Dean did not love him than he would survive. He would adjust. He might return to the life he had as a hunter, perhaps even return to Dean's side as a friend. But if he found that he no longer wanted to be a hunter it wasn't the end of the world. If he found that Dean did not love him than he would eventually move on. Gabriel said it was human nature. Heartbreak was not meant to last forever. It continued to hurt only if you let it.

So Castiel was preparing himself for rejection and hoping for a declaration of some kind from the man he loved. Dean had never easily expressed himself. But if he showed Cas any hint that he reciprocated his feelings than it would be enough. He was preparing himself to become a new man, one way or another he would change. He was an Angel but he no longer felt like one. He had once been God's most devoted believer and now he found, though his love had not diminished, he wanted a life of his own. It was a scary prospect for a being used to having no identity of his own. Gabriel was right, he was dependent on the Winchester brothers and without them he wallowed in self-pity. The love he felt for Dean was an aching torture, an open wound that he nurtured and allowed to fester. At the same time it was its own form of heaven, light and joy and feeling so pure he wanted to cry. When he described it to Gabriel he floundered, his words no comparison and Gabriel laughed in amusement.

Castiel sat in their protected area of the world and pondered his future. He had spent weeks running. He decided it was time to stop. He thought of what made him happy and for the first time he realized that there were other things besides Dean that made him smile, or laugh, or gave him pleasure. It was simple things like watching the sunrise or observing the intricate dance of the bees. He found that he wanted to try the child's game called _Twister _just to see how his human body could contort. Gabriel indulged him and they played together. And for the first time Castiel laughed until his belly hurt and tears ran down his cheeks. The thought that two Angels, one an archangel could find joy in something so juvenile was somehow liberating. His chest still hurt when he allowed even a stray thought of Dean to enter his mind but the feeling made him smile even as he clutched his chest. It was proof that he was more than a soldier, more than a thoughtless follower, more than a simple man. He was Castiel and Cas and anything he wanted to be. Gabriel told him to find himself and he found that he wanted to be Dean's Cas as well as Castiel. Maybe he had come full circle, maybe it was detrimental to his mental health but it was what he wanted and no one could take it away from him.

So he practiced what he would say, pacing the floor and flying through the heavens as he tried to pick just the right words to say, and the right way to say them. Gabriel was loud in his protests about Cas' plan. Cas merely smiled when Gabriel threatened to place Dean in an altered reality of facing his own death day after day if he did anything to hurt Cas. It was his way of showing he cared even after so many years and Cas felt that he had one person who cared for him. He did the things that made him _happy _and did his best to come to terms with the thought that Dean might reject him, that they would only ever be friends. Though he didn't succeed he felt that when the time came he could handle the rejection that had nearly crippled him only days before. He made Gabriel pretend to be Dean and though Gabriel resented it he helped with his trademark flare. His version of Dean was over exaggerated and Castiel could only smile as Gabriel fabricated a version of Dean's "baby" and proceeded to stroke it with abandon and spout poetry about the beauty of the bumper and the glimmer of the sun as it reflected off of her beautifully sculpted side mirrors. Yes, Cas could appreciate that maybe the Impala was the only thing Dean could love without hesitation or reserve. It helped that Castiel loved the car as well, not only because it was Dean's but because he had pleasant memories associated with it. It was the first car he had ever ridden in and he hoped the last.

He started to write, ignoring his native enochian for the written language of humanity. It didn't matter what language he chose to write in. He wrote down random thoughts as they came to him. He wrote down his own course of change, his own altered existence at the hands of two brothers. He wrote his fears, his discovered joys, his endless hopes. It soothed him, the slow pace of writing, the scratch of paper to pen. Gabriel had written many things, his own works printed under other men's names. He bragged about his mastery of the written word and offered to write Castiel's memoirs by himself. Castiel declined his offer politely and continued to write. It helped that he had little need for sleep, though he found he enjoyed that as well. He had never had the need for sleep before and now he did, though very little. He dreamed and marveled at his own imagination, never thinking that he had one before. He wrote of his dreams, many of them involving Dean, Sam, Gabriel or even Bobby.

Perhaps the most important thing he wrote down was what he would say to Dean when he found the words. He went through hundreds of sheets of paper, scratching out what he didn't like and rewriting it. He planted a tree a day as a sort of penance, using his grace to help the trees grow faster and stronger. Gabriel pointed out that he could simply make the paper blank or even type his thoughts on one of those computers that Sam loved so dearly. Castiel refused, enjoying the feel of paper crumpling in his palms, his rejected drafts thrown into the wastebasket as proof of his progress.

It took two months. Two months of indecision and self-discovery. Two months of fears and doubts, if not conquered, placed to the side. Two months of discovering who he was and what he had to offer the world. Two months of joy and sadness and endless words on paper. Two months until he was sure he had the words. He was finally ready to face Dean and tell him he loved him. Gabriel rolled his eyes and told him it was about time. Castiel merely smiled and sought out Dean.


End file.
